Religion or Relationship?

by Joanie Butman

I am frequently asked whether choosewiselybook.com is a Christian website. The simple answer is no. The more complicated one is that I am a Christian so my choices and my stories are governed by that conviction. My Christianity isn’t a ‘religion,’ it’s a relationship which is at the core of my identity. As such, it can’t be compartmentalized because it’s who I am. My faith is woven throughout every aspect of my life. It affects every choice I make so naturally it will come through in my stories.

Everyone has a belief system regardless of what they choose to call it, and those beliefs influence every decision they make and every interaction they have. It would be naïve to think otherwise.

Mine happens to be Christianity, but that will not be the case for everyone who contributes a story or comment. I think the interest lies in reading stories from people with diverse backgrounds and beliefs and how those contribute to their own life choices. That’s why it is so important to share personal stories, because only you can reveal what guides your decision-making process. In doing so, you might impact someone else who is struggling with a decision of their own.

Our vision for the Choose Wisely! website is to create a platform where people can be comfortable sharing and discussing whatever it is that helps them gain insight and wisdom as they journey through life without fear of judgment from others.

What guiding principle(s) do you base your decisions on?

Choice is a good thing or is it?

by Joanie Butman

At first glance, the answer to that question seems obvious. However, as with anything, too much of a good thing sometimes transforms it into something else entirely.

Too many choices can be paralyzing, much the way I feel entering Costco or any mall. When faced with a gluttony of choices, I tend to buy more than I need simply because it’s there and because I am overwhelmed by the options. It doesn’t take long for buyer’s remorse to settle in on the way home. What was I thinking? Do I really NEED these things?

As a result, I have adopted a SWAT-like approach to shopping. I determine what I need, mentally map out its location, and with the precision and timing of a navy seal, I proceed with stealth, extract the necessities and leave in record time. When I am with my husband or children, I review the plan in the car: “Remember, you have twenty minutes. We’re in, we’re out. No looking around. Stay focused at all times. Keep your mission clear.” They claim I take all the joy out of the experience. Who knew that shopping could be “joyful?”

When we refer to my parent’s generation and even my early years, it is recalled as a simpler time. Why? Because there were less choices. Life wasn’t that complicated. Morality was black and white along with our television sets. We only had four channels, and you had to get up to change them which was often the defining choice in what you watched. The media had yet to lose sight of any moral code. They adhered to a certain decency. There was a definitive line not to be crossed. Now, I am embarrassed to watch the commercials, never mind the shows. Is there really an ED epidemic in the US? Based on the number of ads we are bombarded with, one would certainly have good reason to draw that conclusion.

Today, we have the world at our fingertips and simply choosing what to read or watch can be overwhelming. Information comes in at alarming speed. It is hard to process it quickly enough. There is so much noise, I find it difficult to concentrate on anything for long periods of time unless I intentionally block incoming information or interruption, which infuriates my family when I am not immediately available. The next generation lives in sound bytes. Everything is instantaneous. There is no down time. They expect instant gratification, and if it is not forthcoming, they move on quickly, which doesn’t bode well for deep, lasting relationships both personally and professionally. It is difficult to have a conversation with them without some kind of device in their hand where they are monitoring incoming messages. When one more interesting than the one you happen to be sharing comes in, you are preempted.

I hope I am wrong, but stillness and reflection seem to belong to that simpler time. We have so many more options as to how we spend our time. There is just so much we want to do. Even so, there is still only 24 hours in a day. Life is a smorgasbord of options. I have learned by experience that trying to savor every dish is far from satisfying.  In fact, it usually leaves me feeling uncomfortable if not sick from overindulgence. Consider a puppy whom you have to monitor because they will continue to eat until they vomit. They haven’t learned or developed the mental capacity to realize when they are full. Teenage boys suffer from the same malady when it comes to food. The thing is, after you pass a certain point, you can’t really even taste or appreciate the flavor of what you are eating. I would argue that the same can be said of trying to cram too many things into a day. Can you really enjoy any of them fully? Can you experience the freedom of losing yourself in the moment without having to watch the clock? There is always a cost involved. The people around you can feel when you are mentally present or not, and it has a negative impact, leaving them feeling “devalued.”

You can’t have meaningful conversations on demand. In fact, some of the greatest conversations I’ve shared were the result of not having anything pressing to say whether it be sitting on a stoop in Brooklyn or sitting on the porch at my in-laws’ beach cottage. I’ve been told that in therapy, what you choose to discuss in response to silence says more about you than whether you were asked a specific question.

Time is a gift. Choosing how you spend it and share it is undoubtedly one of the most powerful choices we make every day. The process is a difficult one given the number of options available to us. Some of those choices will be limited or dictated by our circumstances, some won’t. Who doesn’t want to do it all?  The only answer  I can think of is one who has learned the cost of trying.

Rick Warren uses a great analogy, “Think of it this way. If you attach one light bulb to a battery, the battery will run for a long time. If you attach 100 light bulbs to a battery, it will go dim and dark really quick!”

The SWAT-like attitude I described earlier is also the way I approach time management. I protect my time with just as much focus, discipline and training. My friends and family don’t always agree with my triage system as to who or what gets my attention at any given moment, and they would probably debate the order of my priorities as I sometimes do with them. With age and experience, we all develop and are constantly refining our own triage for determining how and with whom we choose to spend our days.

Do you have a story about a consequence that resulted from your choice of how, where, and with whom you chose (or didn’t choose) to spend your time?

Bitter or Better?

by Joanie Butman

Being on a prayer chain is an honor but also a reminder of the struggles and hardships of life to which no one is immune. Recently, it seems I have been hearing so many heart-wrenching stories of  health, family and financial challenges - some with positive outcomes, some not. It made me think of something I wrote for friends in September which prompted some great discussions. It's about life's storms.

Following the hurricane this summer I was trying to jog along the beach, but the storm had unearthed so many rocks it made it difficult to run, forcing me to slow down. It gave me the opportunity to add to my collection of heart shaped rocks. At a slower rate I had the pleasure of finding rocks I would have overlooked at a faster pace. I thought how appropriate this exercise was and the lesson in it.

Storms have a way of stopping people, forcing them to put much of the day-to-day busyness on hold. It is often during times of distress that people open themselves up to others. It is an innate reaction – a call to action, a desire to help. So in a way, storms unearth hearts in people as well as those on the beach, and when we open our hearts we become more exposed in a way that wouldn’t have happened but for that storm. It is the same when personal tragedies hit. I have found the most unlikely of hearts melted by tragedy, exposed to the pain of life in a way that can’t be ignored or avoided. Sometimes the storm breaks through the strongest of barriers to wreak havoc regardless of how hard we try to prepare for it. I have also seen many transformed in the wake of the storm. My question is this: Why do some come through bitter, beaten and battered while others come through changed for the better, made stronger by the struggle?

We can only answer for ourselves. For me, it is faith that is the determining factor in how I choose to respond to life’s circumstances. What's yours?

I Refuse...

by Joanie Butman

I’ve always been jealous of people who have been given the gift of music. It can touch people in places that are unreachable any other way. It can inspire, comfort, lift you up, or bring forth needed tears. I got to know my nephew more through his music than any conversation I’ve ever had with him. And it was music that brought Cindi and I together. She has a fabulous voice. I had been listening to her for over ten years before she showed up on my doorstep with this project. I have seen my autistic brother who has no ability to communicate verbally sing a song in perfect pitch and have it bring tears to his eyes.

For some reason, people feel more comfortable being vulnerable in a song. They may not talk about things so openly, but they will sing about them. Music establishes a connection on a different level. Haven’t you ever been moved to tears by a song? There is a certain safety in discussing music. You can share feelings and emotions that you wouldn’t ordinarily. Music is the language of the soul.

Without a doubt, music connects people and creates community. During my recent trips to Africa, the people may not always have understood me, but they LOVED my iPod and sharing their likes and dislikes about my playlist. In fact, it was my first breakthrough moment with them. We laughed, danced and shared our faith through my choice of music.  As they knew many of the songs, we could sing them together.  Those songs bridged a gap as wide as the ocean separating us. We were able to reach a deeper level of communication. Despite our vastly different cultures and languages, it was this shared joy that established a way to connect through a common interest that transcended those boundaries. Even so, I did not appreciate the knock on the door every morning at 5am to tell me the iPod needed recharging.

We can’t all be word-weavers and often find ourselves at a loss to express our feelings, but when we hear them in a song (or a story) we can certainly recognize and relate to them. 

Thinking of a way to describe why we were launching the Choose Wisely! project, one song seemed to express what we couldn’t. It is called I Refuse by Josh Wilson. It became one of our many theme songs during the months of preparation. The chorus reads: 

“I don’t want to live like I don’t care

I don’t want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else

to do what God has called me to do myself

I could

choose

not to move but I refuse.”

What are you being called to do? And will you choose to move?

Is there a song that you would like to share that resonates strongly in your life and why?

My GFFs

by Joanie Butman

As opposed to a BFF, a GFF is simply Great Friends Forever. The concept of a BEST friend has always bothered me because by definition, it diminishes your other friends. Only one can be the best, which means the others must be less than. There is plenty of room in life to have many GREAT friends of equal importance to you in as many ways as there are people. That is the amazing thing about love. No two are the same, there is an infinite supply, and the more you give away, the more you get in return.

I write this on a snowy day after an afternoon spent with my childhood friends. I am sitting on the train smiling with the sweetness of our laughter still playing upon my lips along with the cappuccino ice cream we shared for dessert.

The best thing about having life-long friends is that you never forget your roots. Regardless of the paths we’ve taken, when we get together we are in every respect the same young girls who composed our theme song and proudly christened ourselves The Insuranettes. We share a bond that is undoubtedly unique as is any friendship. Over the years I have also developed other close friendships whose names reflect the nature of their dynamic: the Wonderettes, the Lunch Bunch and the Bible Babes are just a few examples.

Our name, The Insuranettes, was born out of sheer boredom on one of the hundreds of afternoons we loitered on the stoop of the insurance company around the corner from our school in Brooklyn. Though the name came much later, the friendship was conceived in first grade. Some joined in second grade, some even later, and I can’t actually remember when the eight of us solidified as a definitive group. All I know is that this group of eight girls, then teens, then young women, and now middle-aged women came of age together and continue to do so. We went through all our ‘firsts’ together, our first kiss, first date, etc. If I didn’t know something, it was to them I turned. I remember being on a date and being asked something I didn’t understand. I excused myself, went to a payphone (remember them?) and still recall blushing profusely when they explained what I had just been asked. We’ve ridden the rollcoaster of life together watching each other graduate, marry, divorce, marry again, have babies, go through health challenges, anguish over our families, bury parents and siblings, and any other number of life events.

So what did we talk about for five hours on that snowy afternoon? Our choices and how they shaped our lives. We all made our share of good and bad ones, and were equally amazed as we reflected on both. We all agreed we wouldn’t change a thing (except maybe a haircut or two) as they shaped the women we became.

I sat there thinking this was a timely visit following the launch of the Choose Wisely! website. The consensus regarding our youth was that we are lucky we survived. Choices to go sledding on “Dead Man’s Hill” which ended on the Belt Parkway, choices to hitchhike and some of the crazy situations we found ourselves in, choices in boyfriends, spouses, fashion faux pas, just to name a few. In fact, they all seem to remember a lot more about me than I do – and none of it complimentary. For instance, they insist I use to wear a leather bustier, but unless one of them can produce a photo, I will stick with my own selective memory.

There is nothing safer than being in a relationship with someone who knows EVERYTHING about you yet still remains a loyal friend. There is a certain freedom to be yourself that comes easily and naturally, which is why even though we do not see each other on a daily basis, we slip back into our camaraderie like one might slip into a pair of their favorite jeans, old and worn out but comfortable because they fit just right.

For our 50th birthdays, we all bought an infinity necklace whose meaning is twofold: It looks like an eight, the number of members in our group, and the infinity signifies the lasting nature of our friendship. How ironic that just three years later the infinity sign would become an integral part of the Choose Wisely! logo. There is no doubt that choosing your friends will be some of the most important choices you make in life. Why? W. Clement Stone explains, “Be careful of the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them."

These women watched me make horrendous choices but were like a homing beacon to remind me of who I was and of the values instilled through a common upbringing and years of Catholic school. Yes, I was rebellious, but the fact that they and my family never wavered in their love for me despite my choices gave me the assurance to finally acknowledge and accept the values I had been taught as my own. Maybe The Assuranettes would have been a more appropriate name for us.

I have often wondered if I hadn’t been taken out of the security of that group when I was entering high school whether I would have made better choices simply because of their influence and the security they provided. I will never know. It is a moot issue. I had no control over the decision to move away, and I am sorry to say my response was not a healthy one. The anger about being taken out of that community led me down a self-destructive path that lasted for years. In hindsight, I can see it clearly now but couldn’t have told you at the time the reason for my rebellion. Though I returned to Brooklyn just three years later, those were damaging years that set me on a course I stubbornly chose to cling to for years.

The litany of bad choices I made during that time is legendary, but the choice to turn back and embrace the very things I was rebelling against has got to be the best decision I’ve ever made. Today I am a product of the Catholic upbringing, the values and the loyal friendships that were played out once upon a time on a building stoop in Brooklyn and are still being played out in our lives and in the lives of those we touch.

So many people come in and out of our lives - maybe for a moment or maybe for a lifetime. Regardless, all leave their own imprint and unique story as part of the tapestry of our life. Do you have a friendship story to share? A broken friendship? A reconciled friendship? A beautiful friendship? Why not choose to write one to honor it, cherish it, mourn it or maybe even bury it?